“I’ll have what she’s having.” A rash.

So I have this funny story to tell you. A couple weeks ago, say the 17th of September, I went out in the field for the first time to the swamp to collect insects for my mercury study. What I failed to mention was my contraction of what I thought was poison ivy. Now, the only thing strange about this is that it showed up on my inner right thigh…a very strange place for poison ivy to show up when you are waist deep in water and wearing pants. But it sure itched like poison ivy…Like holy hellfire. As one can imagine, I have all kinds of poison ivy treatment laying around and I began to treat the rash as such. About a week or so went by and I was getting no results. Now I am about to reveal some wonderfully personal things to you readers so if you still have the mind of a middle-schooler, I suggest you discontinue your reading.

^^^ If only this is what poison ivy entailed…I could be a sexy green villain. Better than Botox!

Since the rash continued to grow and showed no signs of desisting, I called my aunt, an experienced nurse practitioner. Her question was, “Well is it in chains or in patches.” I replied, “Patches.” We discussed things for a while and she said, “Well you know, I really wish I could see it but what you really need is a KOH test. It sounds like it’s a fungus.” Fungus?! Great. This simple test calls for the use of 10% potassium hydroxide applied to skin cells on a microscope slide. She said, “You’re a biologist. Do you have access to a microscope? Because you could just do this thing yourself.” So I went online and did a little research on KOH tests and indeed, it is a very simple procedure hardly worth going to the doctor for.

^^^ This is what I am looking for in a KOH test. Yummy.

I scraped a few little skin cells onto a slide and managed to get one of my chemistry friends to mix me some 10% KOH. After swiping a microscope from one of the labs, I headed to my insect lab station that Mogli and I share so I could see the verdict: Nothing. No hyphae, no chain-linked fungal cells. We decided that the test was “inconclusive.” I was SO SURE that I had a fungus. I made a trip to the grocery store and purchased some anti-fungal cream and used that for a couple days. It itched worse. It swelled more. It spread A LOT. Form this, I concluded that I need a stonger fungal cream. So I went BACK to the store and got the tough stuff. At this point, the rash had spread to my left leg, lower abdomen, and all down the back of my right leg. That’s when I finally decided to see a doctor.

^^^ “Ok, Doc. You’re the expert. What did I get from the swamp?”

As soon as the doctor saw my rash at 8:00 p.m. last night, he knew immediately that it was an allergic reaction. “Oh, I can fix that in a New York minute!” Thank God! Now I have a giant tube of new cream and steroid pills. My professor who is sending me out in the field for mercury research caught wind of my lovely RASH and told me to let him know how it went. So with the swelling going down a great deal in the past 24 hours and the itching subsiding a bit, I felt great today. I approached him and gave him the news. ” I feel great!” At this, my professor went on to quote the movie “When Harry Met Sally”: “I’ll have what she’s having.” Recall the scene when Harry and Sally are sitting in a restaurant eating lunch and Harry claims that he KNOWS that all of the women he has slept with orgasmed for every sex act they experienced together. Sally’s response was, “Oh everyone knows that most women have faked it at least once! All men know that their partners orgasm but most women have faked it. You do the math!” So to prove her point, right there in the middle of the restaurant, Sally fakes an orgasm. An older women sitting in the back of the restaurant tells the waiter, “I’ll have what she’s having.” HAHAHA! So apparently my professor wants my steroids.

^^^ And there it is.

And now that I am trying to draw this to a close, I remember that there was something else I wanted to tell you but I completely forgot what it was. Of course. But for now, my rash is healing and it’s just an allergy. This makes me happy. Until next time!