Contemplative…

If I could change one thing about myself, I would change that I care so much about what others think (about me as a person, the decisions I make, the silly things I say and do…etc.). I care so much that it is exhausting. I become paranoid and I waste a ridiculous amount of energy thinking, “Are they whispering about me? What are they saying.” Because chances are, it has nothing to do with me, and even if it is about me, I should think to myself, “SO WHAT?! If they’re going to talk, let them talk!” But no. Instead, these insecure thoughts consume me.

^^^ Perhaps it’s the bad elementary school memories that haunt me…

So, the point of this really short entry is to admit to the world (or just the world wide web) that I am insecure about my relations with others. The first part of fixing a problem is admitting that you have one, and truly my problem is not being confident in myself. Don’t be mistaken; I like myself. But I have a hard time accepting that not every human being in the entire world is going to be incandescently happy with me 100% of the time; that’s not possible if you spend enough time with another person.

What happens is that I will sense tension and then I will panic, trying to fix things, and it usually makes matters worse. So here is my goal: I am going to take a very Taoist approach to this problem. I am going to attempt to stop caring…”cold turkey.”

^^^ I wonder if tai chi would help…hmm…

Now, think to yourself what your own personal weakness is. (it’s self-hate day) Next, try to fix it. The end.